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dsipes11

- Name: Danielle
- Birthday: 12/28/1988
- Gender: Female
- Member Since: 6/26/2008

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About Me

Proud to be a Jesus Freak

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Monday, 27 September 2010

Interesting Transition

I can't believe that it's been 2 years since I've been on here. Time definitely flies. I say that this will be an interesting transition because so much has happened and my life is completely different from the last time I wrote on here.

I was living with a guy named, well we will call him Allen. We had been together about a year I believe? A little over a year maybe. In January of this year, Jesus found me and changed my world.

I could tell you the multitude of things He healed from my life, just for me responding to the call He put on my heart to follow Him. Hm, maybe I'll tell you some. You can ask me about the others and I'll gladly tell you.

I had a recurring illness that was extremely painful and it would come up every few months and I wouldn't be able to walk or really function in anyway. I was of course, living on my own. So, when I couldn't work or go to school my life was pretty much shatter for a few weeks while I got better. It was no way to actually live out my life. Every time the pain would sink in I would always cry out to God, why is this happening? What am I doing wrong?

I was also suffering from what I thought was bipolar depression. It had happened since I was a child. I think it was, then, because of the circumstances I was in with my family being the way it was (again I'll tell you more if you want to know). Either way I would fall into bouts of depression where I wouldn't get out of bed except for work and school and I would just let myself wither away. Then when I felt I needed to do something I would get up party and maybe get high sometimes.

I hated life. I hated myself. I was trying so hard to be the person I thought I should be and trying so hard to fix all the problems of my life and I was failing horribly. I could not find any way to be happy. I was a person I never wanted to be. I turned into my mother in a way. Miserable with everyone, hating the world around me. (She had her reasons to be this way, however rough it was on us).

I was working with my boyfriend, Allen's, sister Alice (we'll call her), at the time. She was the epitome of joy and love in one bundle. Sweetest most beautiful angel you'd ever meet. She was all the goodness I ever wanted to be. All the goodness that I had rebuked as being impossible in this world. At this point I had been so abused emotionally and taken advantage of that I didn't believe love existed and I couldn't believe that anyone could ever really love me, or I them.

Alice is a follower of Jesus. She didn't talk to me about Christ. She talked about Him because He was a part of her life, but not in a way that's like, you should get on board this gravy train or anything like that. Just the things that she was doing, missions trips, college group she was involved in, things like that. When I met her, my life and the ugliness of it truly reared its head and made itself very apparent to me. It was very black and white and my life was so ugly to me. I knew that all my purposes for life before were extremely self serving and that I didn't really like that, but when it was really brought to my attention I was just thinking, what am I doing? Look at the mess I've made of my life!

I started getting more and more interesting in Jesus. I was intrigued. Could He really fulfill me? Give me purpose? Give me love? Fix my brokenness? I knew God growing up. Went to sunday school as a wee child, knew all the stories of the Bible. Was actually saved, invited Jesus into my life, when I was 17. I never really understood who Jesus was, and I never read the Bible in it's entirety. At least not with a life purpose behind it. It was always, well I think I'm going to read it because I have to. I was on fire for Him a little after I turned 17, but the circumstances of life overcame me and I didn't stick to it.

Jesus had been calling me out for months before January of 2010, convicting me of my sin that I was definitely committing. He made it so miserable for me to sin (and I'm so grateful). Then, I got sick twice within a few weeks. Right when I got better from the first time, I got sick again. I didn't want to go to the doctor because it was even more painful with them poking and prodding at me. During this time, God really revealed to me all the chains that I was in. He revealed to me all the things, the sin that kept me from doing the things that I really wanted to do. In this He really revealed to me the burden that my illness had been. And was bringing to my attention the things He wanted me to do for Him while following Him fully. I talked to God, and I said, "How am I going to do these things God? How am I going to be able to live my life for you daily, if I keep getting sick and can't function?" He gave me the strength to go to the doctor, even though I had no money and no health insurance. Interesting ordeal. So I went. He gave me the strength and will to get through the doctor's visit without crying from the pain. My doctor did a mini surgical procedure in a small room (she was a surgeon also). Thank God she was able to do it sort of on the spot rather than in a surgical area otherwise it would've cost a ton. After she finished, I had the most amazing amount of relief. I cried so hard when she left and I just thanked God for getting me through it. I had this illness off and on for 5 or 6 years. Since I was 15. This all happened in January and now it is September and I haven't been sick since.

This has honestly been the most amazing journey of my life. I want to go into full time ministry. I've been going to a college group here in Elk Grove. If you want more information about it and you'd like to come just send me a message. It's an amazing group of people who truly love Jesus and want to follow His purpose for their lives. This group, through God, helped me in so many ways. I had been taken advantage of by a couple men when I was younger and I had issues with really hugging or being too close to people in general. Another girl totally helped me and loved me through it. I learned what it was like to meet actual safe guys who weren't just looking to get with you, but truly cared about your well being. I honestly didn't even know that existed until I found this group.

I've been going to Bible College now. Again, just the most amazing experience of my life. I feel I have purpose. I feel accountability for something so much bigger than myself and I'm so grateful for the new life He's given me and the new creation He's made me to be. It's truly amazing. I really kind of wish that whoever reads this could have at least seen me before, and who I am now. It is truly night and day. I feel like I've gone from complete darkness to the light. My heart, which was so broken before, is renewed, which has been a journey in itself. My mind is renewed. There is always more renewing that needs to occur, but what has happened so far is so beautiful.

So this is almost a reintroduction if you're going to be following my life :). Thank you for taking the time to read this if you did. This is my heart.

Much Love and may God truly bless you

Dani

Revelation 7:14-17

"And he said, "These are they who have come out of great tribulation; they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb. Therefore,

'They are before the throne of God

and serve Him day and night in His temple;

and He who sits on the throne will spread his tent over them.

Never again will they hunger;

never again will they thirst

The sun will not beat upon them,

nor any scorching heat.

For the lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd;

He will lead them to springs of living water.

And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes'"

Saturday, 28 June 2008

Standards

I feel like everything I'm going through in my relationship I've been through before. I feel like everything that's wrong with us is in some way my fault. Not that I blame myself for everything, or am seeking self pity in any way. I know that some of the things he does are wrong. I just feel like I'm so spoiled in relationships that nothing will ever be good enough. I'll be with a guy who treats me like a queen but I won't feel anything for him just because our personalities aren't compatible. I know most of you out there have probably read what was written in the featured blogs about relationships. How most of the people out there can be compatible with 50% of the other people out there. Of course it's written much more eloquently, but because I'm too lazy to look it up, that's what you get. I've thought that way ever since I started dating. I'm sure everyone out there can relate to having been crazy about someone they dated for the first month or so, then suddenly, they lose interest. Why do they lose interest though? Is it because they're not compatible? Or because they're not meant to be together? I feel like I've been in so many relationships where that has happened. It didn't happen with the both of us though, it happened with me and only me. Many of these guys treated me like a queen. I've been fortunate enough to never have gotten myself into a trap with a man. On top of these guys treating me like a queen, they were also intelligent, funny, compassionate, all the things a girl looks for in a guy. I've dated some really fantastic people, which is another reason why I'm still in contact with almost all the people I've dated. It seems like I nit pick at their personalities though and dismiss all the wonderful qualities about them (at least while we're dating) or I take advantage of the fact that they're so wonderful. I don't appreciate it because it's handed to me on a silver platter and I don't have to do anything really to earn it. Regardless of that fact though, I find myself wondering why things are so different now. Why is it that now, when I find something I don't like in my relationship, I work through it and fix things. The guy has changed. We're extremely compatible as friends, but I can be compatible as friends with a lot of people. Is the reason we eventually settle down with someone simple for the point of settling? Do we just get so tired of searching for that perfect someone? Is there a perfect someone, does that even exist? Honestly, I don't think so anymore. Nothing is perfect and I find that in itself perfect and beautiful. Perfection is nonexistent, except in theory of course. So why do we search for it? Is it that we're idealists as children because we don't know the harshness of the real world, but as we grow we become accustomed to the brutal realities of things, therefore lowering our impossible standards to meet the best available candidate? I know that I have lowered my standards as I've grown. This isn't the worst thing ever, my standards were impossible. It's just difficult to adjust to the idea that my standards have lowered, considering that "lowering standards", just the statement in itself.. sounds so terrible..

Thursday, 26 June 2008

Relationship drama?

I don't understand how men can be so idiotic sometimes. Actually, let me take a different approach to this... I don't even know if I'm the one being idiotic or not yet. So someone please answer this! Is it normal for a woman to want time to be with her boyfriend away from his family? Is it normal for a woman to want her boyfriend to spend time with her family every once in a while? I never get to see my family because I'm always with his family. Which, I do love his family and they're really great to me. They've done so much to help me out since I've moved back to California, and do so much to make me feel welcome, and it's not that I'm unappreciative in the least. I'm extremely appreciative, it's just, I never get anytime with Jon. Every time we hang out at his house it's with him, his mother, his father, and/or his sister. I enjoy being around his family, but I'm in a relationship with him, not his family. Is it completely weird and selfish that I want time to be alone with him? To me, it seems like an extremely reasonable thing to ask for. Another reason I enjoy hanging out with him at my house is because my family isn't so obsessed with the fact that I'm there, or the fact that he's there. We can hang out with my family and just BE. We don't get to just BE very often. It's so ridiculous! I don't understand how something this stupid and simple could escalate into this huge fucking thing. This is so ridiculous...
School and the Future

How many others out there are through their first year of college and still have no idea what they want to do with their life? How many of you out there kind of fucked up their first year of college? Okay, I got below a 3.0, far below. Okay, I got a 2.36 my first year of college. Honestly, I have never gotten below a 3.0 in my life. And I'm not one of those cocky smart people, I am already humbled, so any of you who say that maybe this happened to humble me are wrong lol. Shit happens is the only thing I can truly say about it. Yes, I fucked up, get the fuck over it though right? I've been upset about it for a long time and extremely discouraged about my future. But I know I have potential and that I do have the ability to succeed. What I've learned from my first year of college though is that I do have limitations. While I am intelligent and have motivation to succeed, I have limitations to my intelligence. I learned that there are so many people out there who are much more intelligent than I am and who are working just as hard as I am and some even harder. There are also many people out there who aren't as smart as me as well. I was trying to do pre-medicine. Well, I started doing pre-medicine second semester. The first semester I had 3 course and I completely screwed them over because I had way too much free time, and the courses were extremely easy. Second semester I did really well actually and I had Bio, Chem, Art History, and Literature. This is all at Boston University if anyone was wondering. First semester screwed me over completely for second semester. Granted, I didn't fail anything, I did get a D though first semester. How fucking retarded am I? It wasn't even a difficult class, I just didn't put that much effort in because I knew it wasn't a difficult class. How many people out there have done that? How many people have been presented with an extremely simple, easy class, and completely fucked it over because it was so easy that you under did it? If that makes sense, I beg you to speak to me about this, because I feel so alone in the fact that I do worse in simple, easy courses than I do in difficult courses.
I also realized my first year, that there are things I am extremely good at and things I'm not so good at. While, I did know this before, I didn't realize that it was such a huge determinant of what I was going to do with my life. For example, I realized that I was trying to do pre-medicine, when science is my semi-mediocre subject. It's my B subject we'll say. Literature is my C subject, while I usually get B's or A's in it though... You get me though right? Math is my A+++ subject. I got 104% in my fucking college calculus class.. Calculus A and B or I and II as some colleges call it. I've gotten A's in every single math class, easily, and I've enjoyed the shit out of it also. Physics, math oriented science, kicked it's ass.. Got over 100% as well.. Nothing has every come as easily to me as math does.. I feel like such an idiot for trying to ignore that. I think I was trying to be something I'm not. For example, I thought about doing journalism. Which may seem normal to most people out there, but I am not that literate and I am not that great of a writer, as some of you may have already noticed. I could do it, but I would be mediocre at it. Then I went premed. Which actually I've been wanting to become a doctor for YEARS. Then I realized.. You have to be pretty fantastical to get into medical school. It's so difficult to get into a good one, you have to be perfect and a complete whizz at science in order to truly be amazing at it. And I am the type of person who wants to be amazing at whatever I choose to do. Otherwise, I feel discourage, which may not be good. I don't really know. I know that I want to be one of the best at whatever I choose to do and I know that I wouldn't have been able to do that easily in Medicine. Granted I don't expect it to be easy, but at the same time, Even after I'd learned everything there was to learn, and even if I succeeded at that, I know there would still be some that are better than me because they naturally have that gift. I naturally have the gift for math and I love math so much. I seriously miss it when it's not in my life. I know I'm a bit of a nerd, but I seriously love to learn, what can I say, I'm a bit of a loser. I enjoy that about myself though.

Anyway though, I apologize for the extreme length of this. I'm especially sorry because most people will probably pass over in reading it once they see the length... lol. Thank you much if you do read it.
Okay, I'm brand new at this so give me a chance to get warmed up a bit.

Here goes...

Right now I am feeling extremely discouraged because I am unable to get a job. How ridiculous is that. I was never allowed to have a job growing up because I had to work with my mom. We both ran a horse business together. It was just her and me, so technically I had no time for anything else. Does any job I apply for care that I was never allowed to get a job though? No. They just see, hardly any work experience, and they turn their head away or just don't pay me any attention, when honestly, I can guarantee them that I probably have more drive to work than 97% of the people they're hiring. I love working. I thrive on working. I have to keep busy. I'm so fucking bored it's driving me insane. I'm not even going to school yet. I just moved back to California and am trying to get my life back on track and I can't even get a job. My mother won't even talk to me. Not because she's mad at me, no I haven't done anything wrong. My mother is just like that. I don't know what's wrong with her to be honest. So, I've called her every morning for the past couple weeks and she hasn't answered or called back once. Then yesterday morning before my interview, she sends me an email practically reams on me for not having a job yet and saying that I need to get off my ass and stop fooling around and having "fun". Wtf... she knows nothing about me or what I'm doing. I've been searching for a job for the past 3 weeks and nowhere is hiring. I turn in applications anyway, but then I call back for a follow up about a week later and they tell me they just looked through applications and already hired a bunch of girls or something stupid like that. I'm just unhirable, or have a ridiculously sorrow application because I have zero work experience. My interview yesterday got canceled and I broke down. Yes, a little ridiculous I understand. I just really want something to work out. I'm not that old, and on my own practically, obviously I have a place to stay and such, thank God, but I'm still worried. I have to raise money so I can pay for school... Bleh.. I'm sure everyone has these problems and everyone feels this way.. I guess it's still necessary to vent them though.